A Father's Love

Every little girl wants to be daddy's little princess, to be the apple of his eye and know that he is there to protect and love her. As a child I longed for my daddy to pick me up, swing me around and tell me he loved me.

Love from my daddy was something I never remember feeling. There was no communication, no support for my mother and no feeling of being wanted. My daddy didn’t fill my childhood desires,but as all children do, I daydreamed of the daddy I yearned for. I learned plenty about my daddy from all my family; there was much rage, anger and abuse. I have vivid memories of outbursts, dogs afraid of his voice, and to this day, I dislike balloons popped close to me, because he was amused that I was so frightened by that and seemed to entertain himself with my fears.

I was always in search of a father figure who would make me feel loved and significant. And it didn’t take me long to find that the more I tried to fill up my empty places, the more frustrated and lonely I felt. I had many close friends, most with homes still intact. At that time, I was the unusual one with divorced parents. I had a vulnerability that was visible to some, and those that preyed on that vulnerability. I envied my friends with complete families and daddies that went to the dances, were at the parent night at school, and cheered on the sidelines for their little girls.

When I married, I thought my new husband was going to fill in all my empty gaps with his love. He was only one mortal human being. And his love is great, far greater than any I have known on earth but it wasn't the love that I ached for all my life. My husband's love is the biggest blessing in my life and I cannot imagine my life without him. When we married, before we had children, I asked him would he stay forever because I never wanted my kids to question a parental love like I did. He stayed and while our marriage was not perfect, nor were we perfect parents we could not love our boys any more than we do. They were (are) our whole world. They are a little bit of both of us and they are perfect. But even the love of my husband and my precious boys can't compare to the love of Another.

I had to learn that no person, possession, profession or position ever fills an empty heart. It’s an emptiness that only God can fill. I struggle often with being loved and at times I try to push those I love away. If I wan't good enough for my daddy's love, who's love am I good enough for? What is wrong with me that my daddy couldn't love me, and stay for me?  I love unconditional, but with reserve. Some people take that as snobby, discontent, and some even make assumptions of my moods but they are usually way off base. I cautiously observe in new situations, environments and new people. 

My earthly daddy didn’t encourage me and love me as I’d dreamed. I was never told I was beautiful by my father, I was never calmed in a storm by my father, but I also never argued with my father about the clothes I wanted to wear or the boy I wanted to date. But I have come to know the love of my heavenly Father. And anything I try to use as a substitute for Him will never make me feel complete. My heavenly Father is all that I need. He loves me unconditionally, He will never leave me, abuse me, hate me, resent me or turn His back on me. He is the one that will always be with me. He sees ME, the me HE created.

1.) He sees my beauty and joy. “For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb, I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works…” Psalm 139:13-14. I imagine the heavenly Father holding me, His child and talking to me as only a parent can with words of love and affirmation. I need to see the beauty he created in me and have joy from the blessings he has brought me.

2.) He sees my uniqueness and vulnerability. Jesus describes himself as shepherd and his children as sheep to help me understand my relationship with him.

“He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they know his voice…I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.“ John 10:3-4, 11

He knows each one of us intimately—by name. Nothing is hidden from him (even the numbers of hairs on our head) Matthew 10:30. Yet I need protection and guidance and God provides it for me.

I recently witnessed the shepherd with their sheep on a trip to Israel and it was very fascinating to me that this care is still practiced there. It was a very visual picture of how my Shepherd is with his sheep.
3.)  I know that the Father recognizes my eternal nature. He has given it to me. He desires that I have an eternal relationship with him.  Not only am I seen by God as His child, but I have learned to see others differently. Paul writes to the Corinthians about how our vision changes once we know Christ. “From now on, therefore, we regard no one from a human point of view; even though we once knew Christ from a human point of view, we know him no longer in that way. So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new!” 2 Corinthians 5:16-17

My family portrait will not ever look like anyone else's. My family portrait consisted of three people; a mother and her two children. In Christ, our family portrait is forever altered. Each child is seen as a person of beauty and joy, as an individual who is unique and vulnerable, and as one who has an eternal nature. How blessed we are to see through our Father’s eyes! I pray daily to see myself through Christ's eyes and to know that I am more than what my earthly father has made me believe. I am a child of God, above all, and I wait for the day that He welcomes me home to his arms.