Tornadoes in December in Texas. Who has ever heard of it? I was talking today about the fact that we ALL ignore warnings. We think we can beat the storm because we are almost there. Four of my "kids" were out on Saturday night at the Dallas Galleria trying to come home. I asked them to hang out a little longer as the thunder storms were hard, and they did. I was sickened watching the news, and the reports and the tragedies. I was likewise kicked in the gut even harder knowing that a wonderful husband, father and son was taken during this storm. And even though he was a Christian in every sense of the word, it still hurts. He was still needed. He was still loved. He was still providing for his family. Taken way too soon. He taught students overseas the gospel of Christ. He was a nurse and he was a military man in the reserves. Nothing can make this ache go away that I have for his family. I know this is a side effect of living...dying but this is just too much, too soon. I have cried and prayed for this dear man's family. It is a pain I cannot begin to imagine and never hope to.
Sometimes it seems like there is a never-ending degree of heartache. The kind that takes your breath away every time you think you have finally caught it. Death, sickness, pain, heartache and the loss of trust in a friendship. Friendship can be repaired but I am not sure it will be able to be. When you find out things that you didn't know were going on. People talking behind your back but never discussing it with you, it hurts. I do not treat people like that and I do not think it is right. Each time my heart closes off a bit, my skin thickens and I don't want to let anyone in again, especially the one that hurt me. Sometimes things happen that put distance between that friendship and sometimes that distance is a good thing. I choose to look at the blessings in my life and pray for those in need; those that have endured great loss and those that have painfully wronged me. While I cannot change anyone or how they treat another, I can change me. I can make sure that I NEVER do that to another person.
I know that friendship and love are important but friendship gone wrong is not loving in the least. It borders on betrayal, and oh, betrayal burns with intensity. It reminds us that others can and will bear down on our hearts and lack the tenderness to care.
Monday, December 28, 2015
Friday, December 18, 2015
For clarification purposes...
I have had a few people message me about some of my posts so I thought I would clarify.
For many, many years I never spoke about my depression, anxiety or panic attacks. I was shamed into believing something was wrong with me or I just needed to "snap out of it." There are still times when I struggle as judgments are passed on me and decisions are made. I have been made to feel like I was the untouchable. Tainted and unwanted.
A friend recently told me that he wished I could see myself through others eyes. He wished I could see what they see where I am concerned. Whew! That scares me. In my minds eye, I do see myself as others see me. What do you see? Or do I want to know?
My depression (postpartum) began 25 years ago after having my oldest son. I was in Fairbanks, Alaska and all my family was in Dallas, Texas. That depression lifted once my mother and my grandparents arrived when Zachary was 10 days old. I had c-section so physically I was also struggling. You see, what I didn't know was I didn't have "depression", I was having full blown panic attacks. The time that I was waiting for my family to arrive, Redoubt volcano was erupting and causing flight delays and extreme anxiety for me. The volcanic activity began mid-December and I was so afraid that I would not see my family again. They were determined to be there to see their first grandbaby and first great-grandbaby. My husband took off from the date I had Zach until they arrived and I didn't want him out of my sight. I had terrible panic attacks that something would happen to him if he left the house. I also experienced terrible nightmares that I was walking with Zach in a front baby carrier and someone smacked his bottom, sending him out of the front carrier and into the Chena river that ran through Fairbanks, Alaska.
My depression/anxiety stilled for 7 years, until the birth of my second son, Brayden. Within 2 weeks before the birth of my second child, my husband had been honorably discharged from the Air Force. We left our home in Charleston, South Carolina and made or drive back to Mesquite, Texas. I had been blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom and wife but going into civilian life, we needed both of us to have a paycheck. After having Brayden, I was readmitted to the hospital with a very serious infection. With the weight of the world upon me, I trekked into the working world, disappointed that I could not be home with my baby. I was very blessed that my mother in law was willing and able to keep the boys for us while we worked. None the less, panic attacks hit me hard, realizing that life was forever changed for our little family. At this point medications came in to play for me and I began and daily dose of depression/anxiety meds.
Knowing that depression can cripple families, I vowed to stay on the meds for life. I had seem the ups and downs of other family members and had no intention of putting my little family through that.
I do see the differences and how people are treated with medical health issues versus mental health issues. If I had a heart condition and struggled occasionally, I would be treated with dignity and respect. But I struggle with a mental health issue, one that I DID NOT ASK for or do anything to cause it. It is a genetic imbalance of the chemicals in my brain. Sometimes I see my changes and other times I don't and rely on those that love me to put a mirror up in front of me. I could not begin to count the names of the meds or the number of times that the meds have been "tweaked". I stay on top of my mental health as much as I monitor my medical health.
But I cannot make people understand or have compassion. I cannot stop the intolerance or the ignorance nor the assumptions. Yes, it saddens me and yes, it angers me.
Seeing myself through the eyes of others is not where I want to be. I see the blank stares, the unassuming compassion, I see the lack of compassion or understanding. People that have not struggled will never understand and I would never wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy.
If you know someone with depression/anxiety, please try to understand and don't pass judgement. We all have our issues, but this is one not of our choosing. We need understanding and love. I pray that those that should understand will get training so they are better equipped to handle people. I pray every day to wake up and never battle depression or anxiety but I also know that God has more important things to handle than my depression.
For many, many years I never spoke about my depression, anxiety or panic attacks. I was shamed into believing something was wrong with me or I just needed to "snap out of it." There are still times when I struggle as judgments are passed on me and decisions are made. I have been made to feel like I was the untouchable. Tainted and unwanted.
A friend recently told me that he wished I could see myself through others eyes. He wished I could see what they see where I am concerned. Whew! That scares me. In my minds eye, I do see myself as others see me. What do you see? Or do I want to know?
My depression (postpartum) began 25 years ago after having my oldest son. I was in Fairbanks, Alaska and all my family was in Dallas, Texas. That depression lifted once my mother and my grandparents arrived when Zachary was 10 days old. I had c-section so physically I was also struggling. You see, what I didn't know was I didn't have "depression", I was having full blown panic attacks. The time that I was waiting for my family to arrive, Redoubt volcano was erupting and causing flight delays and extreme anxiety for me. The volcanic activity began mid-December and I was so afraid that I would not see my family again. They were determined to be there to see their first grandbaby and first great-grandbaby. My husband took off from the date I had Zach until they arrived and I didn't want him out of my sight. I had terrible panic attacks that something would happen to him if he left the house. I also experienced terrible nightmares that I was walking with Zach in a front baby carrier and someone smacked his bottom, sending him out of the front carrier and into the Chena river that ran through Fairbanks, Alaska.
My depression/anxiety stilled for 7 years, until the birth of my second son, Brayden. Within 2 weeks before the birth of my second child, my husband had been honorably discharged from the Air Force. We left our home in Charleston, South Carolina and made or drive back to Mesquite, Texas. I had been blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom and wife but going into civilian life, we needed both of us to have a paycheck. After having Brayden, I was readmitted to the hospital with a very serious infection. With the weight of the world upon me, I trekked into the working world, disappointed that I could not be home with my baby. I was very blessed that my mother in law was willing and able to keep the boys for us while we worked. None the less, panic attacks hit me hard, realizing that life was forever changed for our little family. At this point medications came in to play for me and I began and daily dose of depression/anxiety meds.
Knowing that depression can cripple families, I vowed to stay on the meds for life. I had seem the ups and downs of other family members and had no intention of putting my little family through that.
I do see the differences and how people are treated with medical health issues versus mental health issues. If I had a heart condition and struggled occasionally, I would be treated with dignity and respect. But I struggle with a mental health issue, one that I DID NOT ASK for or do anything to cause it. It is a genetic imbalance of the chemicals in my brain. Sometimes I see my changes and other times I don't and rely on those that love me to put a mirror up in front of me. I could not begin to count the names of the meds or the number of times that the meds have been "tweaked". I stay on top of my mental health as much as I monitor my medical health.
But I cannot make people understand or have compassion. I cannot stop the intolerance or the ignorance nor the assumptions. Yes, it saddens me and yes, it angers me.
Seeing myself through the eyes of others is not where I want to be. I see the blank stares, the unassuming compassion, I see the lack of compassion or understanding. People that have not struggled will never understand and I would never wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy.
If you know someone with depression/anxiety, please try to understand and don't pass judgement. We all have our issues, but this is one not of our choosing. We need understanding and love. I pray that those that should understand will get training so they are better equipped to handle people. I pray every day to wake up and never battle depression or anxiety but I also know that God has more important things to handle than my depression.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Realizations...
There are days that just seem to drag and there are days that you want to slow down.
I have had a problem with terrible anxiety for a couple months. I could not figure it out. I was on schedule with my meds, life isn't perfect but when is it ever? I spoke to a wonderful doctor friend about my concerns and the meds that were increased for my depression with cause heightened anxiety for some. Those terms, "some", "few" and "rare" were actually written for me.
Being aware of WHY my anxiety is high is the key to getting my mind and heart (and stomach) to settle. I have come to many conclusions. My spell of high anxiety began 10 years ago when I wanted to do the best job I could. Taking care of at risk children, teaching them unconditional love was what I wanted to do. I never felt like I could do a good "enough" job.
In my current job, there are many that I strive to please, gain approval and appreciation and do the best job that I can. Or better than I am capable of doing. I always try to make everyone elses job easier, even though it increases my work load. I have gotten in to such a habit of making sure everyone else is taken care of, I am neglecting to take care of me. I may not do anything in this world to please one human but if I am doing my best to please God, I believe that is what matters. Many times we care too much about what people think, how people will react or just don't give them the chance to see beyond the first impression. Too many times we fail to look at what pleases God.
This New Year is going to be about me. I want to stop relying on certain people. I have been very open about everything in my life with those I care for and need advice from but sometimes that will come back to bite. This opens the door for betrayal, hurt and loss. I don't like that door and I am slowly shutting that. Before coming to work at my current job, I rarely let anyone in. There was a wall that I kept up, but I slowly began to trust and I let the wall come down for most, A couple people I let come through the gate in the wall. I jumped too big and now I want to jump back a bit. I must jump back a bit.
I love my job more than I could ever say, but there are some things that are very hard for me. The tough spots are being sedentary for 8 hours, no flexibility in my day, minimal contact of people, and the ongoing struggle with depression does not mix well with sitting all day. I need to move around, I need to know that it is okay to move around. The phone will never ring until I walk away. That is a fact. The doorbell will never ring until I run to the bathroom. Once again...fact. I love being there for my church family and I love being a part of a church that is so loving. I love being able to pray, and witness baptisms during my work day and I love being around my crazy co-workers. I would say there were never hard days and there are not, or not that I know of. There are busy, confusing days but assumptions can take the place of common sense and compassion. I can't fight what I don't know, I can't improve my faults without seeing them or having them pointed out to me in work, life or love. I EXPECT those I love to be honest and talk to me. I expect those that love me to love me enough to say the hard stuff, you know, the truth.
Please don't let life pass you by or throw away something wonderful on assumptions. Let the Lord touch your heart and believe that He will be there when everyone else walks out on you.
I have had a problem with terrible anxiety for a couple months. I could not figure it out. I was on schedule with my meds, life isn't perfect but when is it ever? I spoke to a wonderful doctor friend about my concerns and the meds that were increased for my depression with cause heightened anxiety for some. Those terms, "some", "few" and "rare" were actually written for me.
Being aware of WHY my anxiety is high is the key to getting my mind and heart (and stomach) to settle. I have come to many conclusions. My spell of high anxiety began 10 years ago when I wanted to do the best job I could. Taking care of at risk children, teaching them unconditional love was what I wanted to do. I never felt like I could do a good "enough" job.
In my current job, there are many that I strive to please, gain approval and appreciation and do the best job that I can. Or better than I am capable of doing. I always try to make everyone elses job easier, even though it increases my work load. I have gotten in to such a habit of making sure everyone else is taken care of, I am neglecting to take care of me. I may not do anything in this world to please one human but if I am doing my best to please God, I believe that is what matters. Many times we care too much about what people think, how people will react or just don't give them the chance to see beyond the first impression. Too many times we fail to look at what pleases God.
This New Year is going to be about me. I want to stop relying on certain people. I have been very open about everything in my life with those I care for and need advice from but sometimes that will come back to bite. This opens the door for betrayal, hurt and loss. I don't like that door and I am slowly shutting that. Before coming to work at my current job, I rarely let anyone in. There was a wall that I kept up, but I slowly began to trust and I let the wall come down for most, A couple people I let come through the gate in the wall. I jumped too big and now I want to jump back a bit. I must jump back a bit.
I love my job more than I could ever say, but there are some things that are very hard for me. The tough spots are being sedentary for 8 hours, no flexibility in my day, minimal contact of people, and the ongoing struggle with depression does not mix well with sitting all day. I need to move around, I need to know that it is okay to move around. The phone will never ring until I walk away. That is a fact. The doorbell will never ring until I run to the bathroom. Once again...fact. I love being there for my church family and I love being a part of a church that is so loving. I love being able to pray, and witness baptisms during my work day and I love being around my crazy co-workers. I would say there were never hard days and there are not, or not that I know of. There are busy, confusing days but assumptions can take the place of common sense and compassion. I can't fight what I don't know, I can't improve my faults without seeing them or having them pointed out to me in work, life or love. I EXPECT those I love to be honest and talk to me. I expect those that love me to love me enough to say the hard stuff, you know, the truth.
Please don't let life pass you by or throw away something wonderful on assumptions. Let the Lord touch your heart and believe that He will be there when everyone else walks out on you.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Contemplating things
I just finished reading a book entitled, Unveiling The Silent Cries by Sherry Moss. It is a hauntingly gut-wrenching book about male dominance and abuse in a family. The book is short and took about an hour to read. I wanted to throw it down and I couldn't put it down. Personally knowing Sherry and her children, I know the story has a happy ending for her and her 8 children.
Although I could never relate to the day to day abuse that she endured, I could relate to some of her feelings of failure and worth. One sentence, "Almost in the same breath, the doubts will come flying in with a vengeance. And all over again, I am not in control. And I look at the new relationships I have and friends and wonder how they could like a person like me...
...how do you put a stop to the voices of someone that has hurt you so deeply?...
...there is no self-worth inside me."
Those voices are present and reinforced with each new failure presented as a fault of mine. Doing a job well, but not doing it "good" enough. When ones shortcomings will always outweigh their strengths. Trusting those that will betray you is never an easy band-aid fix. Confiding in one who shares your struggles and pain with others and encourages others to accept your weakness as a failure. Convincing people that you cannot do what you know you can do, but not speak a word to you about it. Blind-sided is not a good place to be hit.
Try as we may to forget and move on, we still struggle with those that have and continue to belittle us. We don't feel like we have a say in our day to day lives, and that others are in control of our every breath. It is very confining and very deceptive. At times, it feels like I am not writing my story at all. Every time my pen strikes the paper, someone jerks the paper from my thoughts.
Have we put faith in those that have no faith in us. For this I am guilty. I treat others like I would like to be treated, I think about others needs above my own. I care and love deeply and will not ever change me. That makes me emotional, tender-hearted, and caring but not worthy of the things that I love or suited to handle a variety of things. Although I refuse to point out the short-comings of the ones who point fingers at me.
There will always come a time when we have to cut it all loose and decide that we deserve more than others think we deserve. My past does not define me, my depression does not have me, my hurts do not dictate me. I am very aware that I will never be as perfect as some and never have the power that others have but I don't want to change the heart of me. I want to change the things that I need to change FOR me and my family. But I also want people to stop telling me what I can't do. All it makes me want to do is to prove them wrong. Am I angry? Yes! Do I understand why people think it is okay to treat people disrespectfully, to belittle them or tell them what they are or are not capable of doing? NO, I do not. But I refuse to be like that. We have enough closed minded people in this world already.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
On the bright side of the world...
Making changes to the way I think. Stopping and looking at something before assumptions set in. I wake each morning later than usual. Spend the first minutes of my day talking to my Lord and the last minutes of my night. I am able to sleep and sleep well, because I realize that the things I have control of, are all I can change and that which I have no control, I have to turn loose.
This is my list of me-isms:
1.) I am an OCD control freak.
2.) I am a creature of habit
3.) I am a person that believes that you work hard for what you have when you can and save.
4.) I believe that what you do is a reflection of your character. (not what others say you do.)
5.) I believe that God is the only one I have to please. (This has been a huge weight off.)
6.) I know that when I mess up, I should apologize and forgive myself and take a step FORWARD.
7.) I do think it matters what people think of me BUT I don't think I should care. (refer back to #5).
8.) I know that I would rather be around someone who is happy and fun that someone who is down. I know I want to be the happy and fun person too. (Working hard on that starting this week.)
9.) I know that you can be happy doing any job, but you can be joyful doing what you love.
10.) I am one that, when someone says I can't do something, I want to PROVE THEM WRONG! And I usually do! So, tell me I can't do something, bring it on! :-)
It has been a good day. My son made it to Dallas and tested better on his ASVAB. Tomorrow he has the physical. I have been praying all day that he does well on all his testing. Got to see my girl Aubs and have mid-week worship with my church family. Winding down before my honey goes to work.
My prayer is that we will have some resolution to the issue of immigrants. That we will start turning to the Bible for guidance and not the corrupt man. There has to be a point where we say...enough.
This is my list of me-isms:
1.) I am an OCD control freak.
2.) I am a creature of habit
3.) I am a person that believes that you work hard for what you have when you can and save.
4.) I believe that what you do is a reflection of your character. (not what others say you do.)
5.) I believe that God is the only one I have to please. (This has been a huge weight off.)
6.) I know that when I mess up, I should apologize and forgive myself and take a step FORWARD.
7.) I do think it matters what people think of me BUT I don't think I should care. (refer back to #5).
8.) I know that I would rather be around someone who is happy and fun that someone who is down. I know I want to be the happy and fun person too. (Working hard on that starting this week.)
9.) I know that you can be happy doing any job, but you can be joyful doing what you love.
10.) I am one that, when someone says I can't do something, I want to PROVE THEM WRONG! And I usually do! So, tell me I can't do something, bring it on! :-)
It has been a good day. My son made it to Dallas and tested better on his ASVAB. Tomorrow he has the physical. I have been praying all day that he does well on all his testing. Got to see my girl Aubs and have mid-week worship with my church family. Winding down before my honey goes to work.
My prayer is that we will have some resolution to the issue of immigrants. That we will start turning to the Bible for guidance and not the corrupt man. There has to be a point where we say...enough.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
It has been a long time since I have blogged, well about a year.
I am setting up this blog to get familiar with it and loading pictures. In March, I will be traveling on a much anticipated trip to Israel and my plan is to blog daily.
I am working up an article for our Ladies Newsletter. I have been asked to do a New Year's Resolution article, collecting resolutions from members. I have gotten some really good ones (some I have added to my ever increasing list) and I have gotten the response of "I don't do that just to break them."
It has gotten me thinking, about me. Many things have me thinking about me and no, it is not all good. My New Year's Resolutions are a bit more specific this year and I thought I would share some of my current thoughts:
1.) The past is the past! Leave it there and MOVE forward. Stop listening to the voices of my past. Listen to the validation of those that love me in the here and now. Trust more and question less.
2.) No matter what I do, be it cleaning houses, answering phones/doors, cleaning the church, taking care of others, I need to do it all to the best of my ability. I need to be welcoming and hospitable. Especially making note of number 1 every single hour of every single day!
3.) Forgive myself as easily and quickly as I forgive others. I am my worst judge and jury. It is okay to mess up. Shake the dust, move forward and above all...laugh about it rather than cry!
4.) Give myself time and TRUST in God. Others will forsake me but He will not.
5.) Quit doubting myself. Trust in my instincts, trust in my judgement and don't worry about those that doubt me. I am not perfect, nor do I try to be, but I do try to do things as accurately as I can.
6.) Work on my self esteem. Speak up. I stopped speaking up about 8 years ago when I was greatly betrayed and belittled. I DO have things to say. I do have great ideas. Speak up and let others know. Love ME more and others will follow.
7.) Stop wasting time on those that tolerate, just put up with me or don't have time. I have many that enjoy laughing with me, listening to me, spending time with me and I don't need to "work" to make someone like me. It is too much work, too much stress and just a waste of time. Focus on the ones that WANT to be in my life.
8.) Spend less time on Facebook and any electronic and more time in the Word. My time will be more free, more mine after the New Year and I need to use it wisely! More time studying and more time in prayer. Get back to school this year. I am smart enough and I love college. Stop being afraid of math (algebra), find a tutor and get this show on the road. I can't do what I want until I get back on track with college.
9.) I have depression but it doesn't have me any more. I have a couple of accountability partners and have someone to PROVE WRONG! I intend to do just that. I am tired of depression and anxiety robbing me of the things that I love to do, making those I care about angry or upset and just interfering with my life. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
10.) Last but definitely not least; FIND THE JOY in my heart and my life again. Love completely and unconditionally, Be the example that I want to be and help teach the gospel to others that need to find the grace of God. I want to be an example of God's light and show others the blessings that God has brought to my life. Be there for others; in their joy and in their pain.
This next year is the year that I will start to bury the things that I don't like about me. I have dug the hole that is quite large and will get busy on the task.
I am setting up this blog to get familiar with it and loading pictures. In March, I will be traveling on a much anticipated trip to Israel and my plan is to blog daily.
I am working up an article for our Ladies Newsletter. I have been asked to do a New Year's Resolution article, collecting resolutions from members. I have gotten some really good ones (some I have added to my ever increasing list) and I have gotten the response of "I don't do that just to break them."
It has gotten me thinking, about me. Many things have me thinking about me and no, it is not all good. My New Year's Resolutions are a bit more specific this year and I thought I would share some of my current thoughts:
1.) The past is the past! Leave it there and MOVE forward. Stop listening to the voices of my past. Listen to the validation of those that love me in the here and now. Trust more and question less.
2.) No matter what I do, be it cleaning houses, answering phones/doors, cleaning the church, taking care of others, I need to do it all to the best of my ability. I need to be welcoming and hospitable. Especially making note of number 1 every single hour of every single day!
3.) Forgive myself as easily and quickly as I forgive others. I am my worst judge and jury. It is okay to mess up. Shake the dust, move forward and above all...laugh about it rather than cry!
4.) Give myself time and TRUST in God. Others will forsake me but He will not.
5.) Quit doubting myself. Trust in my instincts, trust in my judgement and don't worry about those that doubt me. I am not perfect, nor do I try to be, but I do try to do things as accurately as I can.
6.) Work on my self esteem. Speak up. I stopped speaking up about 8 years ago when I was greatly betrayed and belittled. I DO have things to say. I do have great ideas. Speak up and let others know. Love ME more and others will follow.
7.) Stop wasting time on those that tolerate, just put up with me or don't have time. I have many that enjoy laughing with me, listening to me, spending time with me and I don't need to "work" to make someone like me. It is too much work, too much stress and just a waste of time. Focus on the ones that WANT to be in my life.
8.) Spend less time on Facebook and any electronic and more time in the Word. My time will be more free, more mine after the New Year and I need to use it wisely! More time studying and more time in prayer. Get back to school this year. I am smart enough and I love college. Stop being afraid of math (algebra), find a tutor and get this show on the road. I can't do what I want until I get back on track with college.
9.) I have depression but it doesn't have me any more. I have a couple of accountability partners and have someone to PROVE WRONG! I intend to do just that. I am tired of depression and anxiety robbing me of the things that I love to do, making those I care about angry or upset and just interfering with my life. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
10.) Last but definitely not least; FIND THE JOY in my heart and my life again. Love completely and unconditionally, Be the example that I want to be and help teach the gospel to others that need to find the grace of God. I want to be an example of God's light and show others the blessings that God has brought to my life. Be there for others; in their joy and in their pain.
This next year is the year that I will start to bury the things that I don't like about me. I have dug the hole that is quite large and will get busy on the task.
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