Contemplating things

I just finished reading a book entitled, Unveiling The Silent Cries by Sherry Moss. It is a hauntingly gut-wrenching book about male dominance and abuse in a family. The book is short and took about an hour to read. I wanted to throw it down and I couldn't put it down. Personally knowing Sherry and her children, I know the story has a happy ending for her and her 8 children.

Although I could never relate to the day to day abuse that she endured, I could relate to some of her feelings of failure and worth. One sentence, "Almost in the same breath, the doubts will come flying in with a vengeance. And all over again, I am not in control. And I look at the new relationships I have and friends and wonder how they could like a person like me...

...how do you put a stop to the voices of someone that has hurt you so deeply?...

...there is no self-worth inside me."

Those voices are present and reinforced with each new failure presented as a fault of mine. Doing a job well, but not doing it "good" enough. When ones shortcomings will always outweigh their strengths. Trusting those that will betray you is never an easy band-aid fix. Confiding in one who shares your struggles and pain with others and encourages others to accept your weakness as a failure. Convincing people that you cannot do what you know you can do, but not speak a word to you about it. Blind-sided is not a good place to be hit. 

Try as we may to forget and move on, we still struggle with those that have and continue to belittle us. We don't feel like we have a say in our day to day lives, and that others are in control of our every breath. It is very confining and very deceptive. At times, it feels like I am not writing my story at all. Every time my pen strikes the paper, someone jerks the paper from my thoughts.

Have we put faith in those that have no faith in us. For this I am guilty. I treat others like I would like to be treated, I think about others needs above my own. I care and love deeply and will not ever change me. That makes me emotional, tender-hearted, and caring but not worthy of the things that I love or suited to handle a variety of things. Although I refuse to point out the short-comings of the ones who point fingers at me. 

There will always come a time when we have to cut it all loose and decide that we deserve more than others think we deserve. My past does not define me, my depression does not have me, my hurts do not dictate me. I am very aware that I will never be as perfect as some and never have the power that others have but I don't want to change the heart of me. I want to change the things that I need to change FOR me and my family. But I also want people to stop telling me what I can't do. All it makes me want to do is to prove them wrong. Am I angry? Yes! Do I understand why people think it is okay to treat people disrespectfully, to belittle them or tell them what they are or are not capable of doing? NO, I do not. But I refuse to be like that. We have enough closed minded people in this world already.