Realizations...

There are days that just seem to drag and there are days that you want to slow down.

I have had a problem with terrible anxiety for a couple months. I could not figure it out. I was on schedule with my meds, life isn't perfect but when is it ever? I spoke to a wonderful doctor friend about my concerns and the meds that were increased for my depression with cause heightened anxiety for some. Those terms, "some", "few" and "rare" were actually written for me.

Being aware of WHY my anxiety is high is the key to getting my mind and heart (and stomach) to settle. I have come to many conclusions. My spell of high anxiety began 10 years ago when I wanted to do the best job I could. Taking care of at risk children, teaching them unconditional love was what I wanted to do. I never felt like I could do a good "enough" job.

In my current job, there are many that I strive to please, gain approval and appreciation and do the best job that I can. Or better than I am capable of doing. I always try to make everyone elses job easier, even though it increases my work load. I have gotten in to such a habit of making sure everyone else is taken care of, I am neglecting to take care of me. I may not do anything in this world to please one human but if I am doing my best to please God, I believe that is what matters. Many times we care too much about what people think, how people will react or just don't give them the chance to see beyond the first impression. Too many times we fail to look at what pleases God.

This New Year is going to be about me. I want to stop relying on certain people. I have been very open about everything in my life with those I care for and need advice from but sometimes that will come back to bite. This opens the door for betrayal, hurt and loss. I don't like that door and I am slowly shutting that. Before coming to work at my current job, I rarely let anyone in. There was a wall that I kept up, but I slowly began to trust and I let the wall come down for most, A couple people I let come through the gate in the wall. I jumped too big and now I want to jump back a bit. I must jump back a bit.

I love my job more than I could ever say, but there are some things that are very hard for me. The tough spots are being sedentary for 8 hours, no flexibility in my day, minimal contact of people, and the ongoing struggle with depression does not mix well with sitting all day. I need to move around, I need to know that it is okay to move around. The phone will never ring until I walk away. That is a fact. The doorbell will never ring until I run to the bathroom. Once again...fact. I love being there for my church family and I love being a part of a church that is so loving. I love being able to pray, and witness baptisms during my work day and I love being around my crazy co-workers. I would say there were never hard days and there are not, or not that I know of. There are busy, confusing days  but assumptions can take the place of common sense and compassion. I can't fight what I don't know, I can't improve my faults without seeing them or having them pointed out to me in work, life or love. I EXPECT those I love to be honest and talk to me. I expect those that love me to love me enough to say the hard stuff, you know, the truth.

Please don't let life pass you by or throw away something wonderful on assumptions. Let the Lord touch your heart and believe that He will be there when everyone else walks out on you.