For clarification purposes...

I have had a few people message me about some of my posts so I thought I would clarify.

For many, many years I never spoke about my depression, anxiety or panic attacks. I was shamed into believing something was wrong with me or I just needed to "snap out of it." There are still times when I struggle as judgments are passed on me and decisions are made. I have been made to feel like I was the untouchable. Tainted and unwanted.

A friend recently told me that he wished I could see myself through others eyes. He wished I could see what they see where I am concerned. Whew! That scares me. In my minds eye, I do see myself as others see me. What do you see? Or do I want to know?

My depression (postpartum) began 25 years ago after having my oldest son. I was in Fairbanks, Alaska and all my family was in Dallas, Texas. That depression lifted once my mother and my grandparents arrived when Zachary was 10 days old. I had c-section so physically I was also struggling. You see, what I didn't know was I didn't have "depression", I was having full blown panic attacks. The time that I was waiting for my family to arrive, Redoubt volcano was erupting and causing flight delays and extreme anxiety for me. The volcanic activity began mid-December and I was so afraid that I would not see my family again. They were determined to be there to see their first grandbaby and first great-grandbaby. My husband took off from the date I had Zach until they arrived and I didn't want him out of my sight. I had terrible panic attacks that something would happen to him if he left the house. I also experienced terrible nightmares that I was walking with Zach in a front baby carrier and someone smacked his bottom, sending him out of the front carrier and into the Chena river that ran through Fairbanks, Alaska.

My depression/anxiety stilled for 7 years, until the birth of my second son, Brayden. Within 2 weeks before the birth of my second child, my husband had been honorably discharged from the Air Force. We left our home in Charleston, South Carolina and made or drive back to Mesquite, Texas. I had been blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom and wife but going into civilian life, we needed both of us to have a paycheck. After having Brayden, I was readmitted to the hospital with a very serious infection. With the weight of the world upon me, I trekked into the working world, disappointed that I could not be home with my baby. I was very blessed that my mother in law was willing and able to keep the boys for us while we worked. None the less, panic attacks hit me hard, realizing that life was forever changed for our little family. At this point medications came in to play for me and I began and daily dose of depression/anxiety meds.

Knowing that depression can cripple families, I vowed to stay on the meds for life. I had seem the ups and downs of other family members and had no intention of putting my little family through that.

I do see the differences and how people are treated with medical health issues versus mental health issues. If I had a heart condition and struggled occasionally, I would be treated with dignity and respect.  But I struggle with a mental health issue, one that I DID NOT ASK for or do anything to cause it. It is a genetic imbalance of the chemicals in my brain. Sometimes I see my changes and other times I don't and rely on those that love me to put a mirror up in front of me. I could not begin to count the names of the meds or the number of times that the meds have been "tweaked". I stay on top of my mental health as much as I monitor my medical health.

But I cannot make people understand or have compassion. I cannot stop the intolerance or the ignorance nor the assumptions. Yes, it saddens me and yes, it angers me.

Seeing myself through the eyes of others is not where I want to be. I see the blank stares, the unassuming compassion, I see the lack of compassion or understanding. People that have not struggled will never understand and I would never wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemy.

If you know someone with depression/anxiety, please try to understand and don't pass judgement. We all have our issues, but this is one not of our choosing. We need understanding and love. I pray that those that should understand will get training so they are better equipped to handle people. I pray every day to wake up and never battle depression or anxiety but I also know that God has more important things to handle than my depression.